Essay correction: The Double Question

Here, I analyze an essay written by a student in a Facebook group. Many of you might have made the same kind of errors. I hope this helps you somewhat in your test preparation. If you have strayed, you should quickly course correct. Jargon has been avoided in favour of straightforward explanation.
The essay itself has been attached and may be accessed by clicking on the link provided.
GENERAL COMMENTS:
339 words – the essay more than meets the “minimum words” guideline. If you are taking the pen paper version of IELTS, then it may actually be on the longer side. The essay needs to be compact yet precise and relevant at all times. There is no room for repetitions as well as sentences that are structured loosely.
INTRODUCTION
Why “[t]his essay will discuss. . .including. . .”? A better sentence construction would be “There are several reasons for this rather disturbing trend including lack of job opportunities and poor education system.” Do the same with the other half of your introduction. Your introduction is otherwise spot on. It does the 3 things that all introductions are supposed to do:
Provides us with a paraphrased background/context.
States our opinion OR answers the question/s asked.
Informs the readers of the reason/s for our opinions/answers (stated very briefly, no details)
BODY SECTION
BP1 is actually about one point – the fact that governments don’t spend enough on education in many countries. In fact, the introduction should have stated, “The main cause of rise in crime rates in youth is a lack of job opportunities because of a poor education system.” As a result, students are not sufficiently educated to be considered suitable for most types of jobs. In this context, “[i]n addition” seems forced. The 2nd sentence of BP1 is not really a separate point. You have actually tried to explain the topic sentence mentioned in the first sentence of BP1. Some minor grammatical errors noted. By the way, avoid using words such as “bad”, “thing”, and so on.
BP2 is fine, barring a few minor grammatical errors. Increased frequency of such errors, however, have the potential to reduce clarity. Hence, it is a good idea to eliminate them altogether. Luckily, at present, your grammatical errors do not impede my understanding. To that extent, they are not serious enough.
CONCLUSION
Paraphrases the answer/s that you have given in the Introduction. Perfect. Try not to sound repetitive. “This essay. . .” heightens the repetitive nature of the conclusion. You used “This essay. . .” in the introduction too. Remember? Take out “This essay” completely. Say something like, “Clearly, absence of a good education, leading to unemployment, is directly responsible for the spiraling crime rate in several nations. Filling that void by heavily investing in its development is surely the way forward. At the same time, the government must not forget the equally important task of job creation”.
FINAL WORD
Well written. But there is room for improvement. Aim for clarity at all times. You now know how to go about writing an essay. And, also, the various aspects of it to look out for. So, go right ahead and practice with confidence.
All the best for your test preparation!

 

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